Go with Your Flow
Millie Chapman, photographed by Bevan Wyatt.
My mood’s turned upside down today. I feel heavy, like a 20kg dumbbell has been plonked down onto my lower abdomen and I must carry it with me as I walk. Everything aches, from my mind down to my legs. It feels as if everything is falling apart on the inside, however I must remain strong, putting up a front on the outside, and begin my day.
This was the end result of a five-and-a half month waiting period of quite literally no period. My body went into shut down mode and it took almost six months before my periods started regulating again, and when they did oh boy did I feel all the feels. Despite this, a great release of any negative energy channeling through my body was exactly what I needed. And what better way to feel cleansed and energised than to immerse myself into the ocean and go for a surf.
I paddle out charging through the waves on my 9’2 log, feeling almost unstoppable . The ocean is refreshing and my mood is uplifting. It’s a very calm day and the sets are small, and I’m grateful for it. A nice, easy looking set rolls through and I begin to paddle early to gain enough speed. I glide through the water, as the wave takes me with it. I stand up swiftly to try to gain my balance and just as I’m up, I fall straight off. Instantaneously frustrated with myself as my fuse was short, I hop back on my board and try again.
And again, and again and again. Standing up I’m unbalanced and fall right off. Trying to cross step I miss my feet and the board flies out from underneath me. Paddling for the perfect wave and then there goes my nose straight into the water. Everything is painfully difficult and nothing is going to plan. I paddle in and leave feeling completely unsatisfied and disheartened.
Every surf that I attempted for the rest of the week continued like this. I lost confidence in myself and really doubted my abilities compared to others. It wasn’t until at least a week later where I really felt myself again in the water. I was balanced, finally felt confident gliding down the line and this had a positive effect on my mental wellbeing. But it didn’t matter how fancy my foot work was, or how quickly I could manoeuvre myself onto a wave. It was the drive and determination to continue to push myself to try again the next day, and that I’m proud of. Not only have I experienced this dismay whilst on my period, but on the countless times where I have felt not good enough in the surf, having a shocking day or comparing myself to others. Absolutely no one on this earth is perfect and it’s important to remember that. We are all human and all have our weak days/weeks/months even the pro’s. To get back up and try again time after time when you feel like you’ve fallen down, is what will make you unstoppable.